Have your cake and eat it too: Balancing work and family in a dual-career marriage

Dual-career marriages account for about 65 percent of the workforce, according to the Clayman Institute for Gender Studies in Stanford, California. How do these couples balance the demands of work and family? Daniel and Anita Reid exemplify one style of two-career partnership: that of the mid-life "urban power couple." Addressing students at the W. P. Carey School of Business, Dan Reid summed up the couple's philosophy: "Business comes first, for the most part."

Dual-career marriages are increasingly becoming the norm, accounting for about 65 percent of the workforce, according to the Clayman Institute for Gender Studies in Stanford, California. The additional income — a necessity for many families — is balanced by the stress of juggling two jobs while trying to shape a rewarding personal life. Some couples handle it successfully, but others fail under the pressure.

Daniel and Anita Reid's marriage is an example of one style of two-career partnership: that of the mid-life "urban power couple." During seven years of marriage, the couple has grossed as much as a million dollars a year. The price they pay is significant, but they pony up willingly. Addressing students at the W. P. Carey School of Business, Dan Reid summed up the couple's philosophy: "Business comes first, for the most part."

Consider their lifestyle: at least one spouse is away on business a week or two out of each month; domestic chores are hired out; dinner is almost always takeout or restaurant food. "How we live is very different from how we grew up," admitted Anita. Like other successful marriages, their partnership works because husband and wife share similar values, she said.

A woman with a high-octane career must choose a man who's not intimidated by a mate with ambition, drive and, perhaps, a bigger compensation package, she adds. A 2005 Bureau of Labor Statistics study found that one out of four wives in a dual-career marriage earns more than the husband. When, like the Reids, one partner makes enough to float the family, career-growth benefits multiply.

For instance, a spouse can make a lateral job move that promises greater future opportunities without torpedoing the budget. Or, should your employer relocate you to another state, your spouse can look for work locally so the family does not have to pull up roots. A downsizing is less disastrous if your mate can pay the bills while you job hunt, too.

In fact, way back in 1981, a Catalyst study titled "Two Careers, One Marriage" indicated that while 85 percent of those polled said more money was the best benefit of a dual-career union, "the option to take career risks — change jobs, start a business, switch to a new industry" — was a huge positive. Couples with similar work situations also are less likely to fight over small slights such as unreturned phone calls or an over-flowing trash can, Anita said.

For instance, business travel often is grueling, and it is hard for a stay-at-home spouse to understand why the partner does not call home while on the road. For the Reids, scheduling conflicts between work and private life are usually decided in favor of work. In fact, Dan can recall only two instances in which a personal appointment was urgent enough for Anita to forgo a business obligation.

How it works

Dan, a human resources executive who calls himself "a corporate social worker," had been married, but was divorced for two years before meeting Anita at a Citibank internal meeting in 1999. Both held vice-president-level positions. He proposed to Anita on Valentine's Day in 2000, atop the Eiffel Tower in Paris. This is a first marriage for Anita, a former stock broker and equity trainer.

She said she and Dan early on "discussed doing the 'mommy track,' but at that point in my career I didn't want to do it. The reality [having children] is very difficult and the burden falls more on the woman." She's noticed an increasing number of companies today are offering alternatives, such as flex-time, as a way of retaining their most qualified employees during their early parenting years.

Until a year ago, the Reids were ardent Manhattanites. Their first dates were late-night dinners following 12-15 hour work days. "We managed only two or three dinners a week, because we were so busy working," Dan recalls. In 2000, they married and moved into a downtown condominium, and spending time together was a little easier. Most weekends, the Reids hightailed it to their house in the Hamptons, where they hung out at the beach, browsed local shops and gardened.

"We have an English cutting garden, divided in half, because we both love to garden but couldn't agree what to put in," Daniel explained. "Hamptons weekends were our way of decompressing and getting back in touch." They make household maintenance decisions together, bounce business proposals off of one another and recognize when to give the other person time alone, Anita said. When traveling on business for their respective employers, they've rendezvoused in Germany and France for a little R&R. When Dan worked in Paris frequently, Anita would fly in from New York for occasional weekends.

The importance of staying connected

Asked how they stay close with such frantic schedules, Anita said, "it doesn't happen automatically — it takes work. You have to commit to finding down time in front of the TV, or to unwind and talk over dinner. We make a concerted effort to reconnect at the end of each day." Carving out time for mutual vacations is essential, Dan said. And he has been known to send five dozen roses to Anita on an ordinary weekday during a particularly busy week.

While some dual-career couples ban business talk after the work day ends, that doesn't work for the Reids. "Work is such a huge part of our life. We talk about everything. For us, this works," Anita said. Work-related competition, resentment or jealousy has no place in a supportive, dual-career marriage, she noted. Dan agreed, adding "sometimes I signal that I'm done talking by staring off into space.

When I've been working 24/7, there are times I just want to veg out." Telecommuting "has huge implications" that undoubtedly will make it easier for dual-career couples to pursue their dreams, Anita said. Corporations are developing new policies for distance workers, to ensure child rearing or other priorities don't impede productivity, she added. But who sacrifices when one spouse is offered a primo position out of state?

The first time, the Reids compromised; they remained at their Manhattan condo, Anita kept her local job and Dan commuted an hour each way to his new employer in New Jersey. In 2006, they faced a thornier problem: Anita's mother, who lives in Phoenix, Arizona, became ill. Eventually Dan agreed to give up his job to accompany Anita to the Valley of the Sun. Both soon procured lucrative positions, but Anita was recently laid off.

Dan works at Insight Enterprises, a computer hardware and software distributor. Leaving Wall Street was a major change, but both partners decided family obligations, in this instance, required a degree of sacrifice. "I miss Central Park and being in the exciting city, where something unexpected is around every corner," Dan said. "But making this move was another example of sharing values. My mom has passed away, and Anita wanted to have time with her mother."

Bottom Line:

• 31 percent of married couples are dual-income families with children; 25 percent are dual-income couples who do not have children, according to Dan.
• Dual-career partnerships account for up to 65 percent of the American workforce, per the Clayman Institute for Gender Studies in Stanford, Calif.
• Higher earnings and the opportunity to take career risks are the two biggest advantages to dual-career marriages, according to Catalyst, a non-profit organization focused on women's careers.